I was recently reading an interesting article by British Conflict and Change Management expert Christopher Heimann, where he discussed the idea of the “Third Element”. The “Third Element” is about looking for a third thing that connects two parties. The duality of “me versus you” has intensity to it, while a triangular relationship – me, you and a third thing – has a more gentle and less confrontational feel to it. The Third Element is the thing that we’re both interested in, or the thing that we both can look at (and that makes intensity of looking straight at each other more comfortable). While Chris makes use of the “Third Element” in Conflict Resolution and Change Management, the “Third Element” can also be very key in relationships (in this case business relationships).
For example: Most people will probably find that it isn’t very easy to just walk up to a complete stranger on the street and start talking to them. If, however, that person has a dog it’s suddenly a lot easier. Because we can both talk about the dog: “Oh, isn’t he cute? How old is he?” Without the dog, it would be much more awkward to have a conversation. The dog is the Third Element. Having a toddler has a similar effect of enabling two strangers to enter into contact.
So in a situation of a relationship, one might ask: Where’s the dog? Where is the dog in this situation that can help us to come together? What is the thing that connects us?
The dog doesn’t always have to be a physical thing: hobbies, backgrounds, alma maters can be the “Third Element”. So rather than unknown people, who upon initial encounter subconsciously are determining the intentions of the other person (typically starting with a “what do they want from me” attitude), now have a new way of looking at the encounter with a “Third Element” present. Looking at it this way can change the dynamic between the two parties, and soften it.
The notion of the “Third Element” is also meaningful in deeper relationships as well; relationships that have past the initial encounter or have even past “getting to know each other”. Two parties often bond and strengthen their relationship via a “Third Element”. It could be a shared activity, or a project they worked on together.
It can also come into play in less constructive ways: Bitching about a third person seems to enable two people to bond easily – but does it lead to meaningful relationships?
From what I’ve seen, relationships where the only third thing that connects people is a shared enmity or dislike for something or someone – and no shared positive values – are ultimately less beneficial or satisfying… it’s better to keep looking for positive dogs… woof!