It is important to remember that just because you think you are at a particular level of relationship, doesn’t mean the other person does as well. It takes two to move up a level in your relationship, so be keenly aware and perceptive of the other person’s feelings and opinion on the relationship.

	COMMUNICATION	INSIGHT	EFFORT
5. Lifeline	“How are You?” Constant Communication Readily willing to cancel other commitments/meeting for you if needed	Multiple “bonds” exist The relationship has been tested and remains Very few of these in your life Utmost level of respect, comfort	profound
4. Advisor
3. Emerging Ally
2. Acquaintance
1. Aware
0. Unaware
-1. Damaged

Other key concepts

Getting deeper #

Someone might ask “Fine I know this relationship is at a level 3, but how do I move it to a level four? “ There are two options, direct and indirect. The direct approach involves having a DTR (defining the relationship) conversation, and declaring that you want to move the relationship deeper. The indirect option involves initiating level 4 behavior, and seeing if the other person reciprocates. If they do, then you’ve succeeded in going deeper. If they don’t reciprocate, then you just settle back into level 3, consider trying other level 4 behaviors, or give it time and try again.

Easy float #

It seems relatively easy to float between level 1 and 2 relationships and while not as easy it is still relatively simple to move between level 3 and level 4 relationships. But the jump from level two to level three, and the jump from level 4 to 5 takes substantial effort.

Group versus individual #

Just as we speak of one to one dynamics, we can also speak of group relationships or dynamics. The group as a whole can move through the various levels of relational depth however, it is important to recognize that the group will only be as deep as it’s weakest member. While it is true, that individuals within the group may go deeper when the group is relating as a whole will only share at a level consistent with its weakest member. This explains why a group functioning at a level four can easily fall to a level three or two with a new member or members are added to the group. This is one of the issues that contributes to the closed versus open group debate.

Elasticity #

Another way to think about effort is in terms of elasticities as your relationship gets deeper the rubber band stretches. Once you reach a level five relationship it requires great effort to maintain the relationship at that level without it deteriorating back to a lower level. Also as you move from level to level, it requires exponentially more effort to move to that next level.

Quantity #

We could include another column for the quantity of relationships at the various levels. We can have an almost infinite number of relationships at level one and two we have a moderate level of relationships at level three a healthy small group 5 to 12 can exist at level four and we can only handle one or two relations